How To Be Awesome On Twitter

A Guide For MLB Players.

DO:

* Post pictures of steak.
* Post pictures of babies and/or puppies. Popular example subjects: Bryton Cecil, The Buck twins, Josh Marisnick, Espy and Ribby Teahen.
* Joke with your fellow players. This is highly amusing to us.
* Amuse us with casual general comments: humourous anecdotes, heartfelt declarations of your boundless enthusiasm and determination, motivational quotes, gratitude for support, commiserations over shitacular Toronto spring weather, etc.
* Post additional pictures of steak. Chicken, carne asada, lobster, street meat, and other food that had a face also acceptable and encouraged.

ACCEPTABLE IN LIMITED QUANTITIES:

* A few obligatory mentions of charitable ventures. Not to be overused.
* One or two mentions of a friend or family member's business. You will be quickly unfollowed by many if you abuse your fans by twitter-spamming.
* Pictures and/or acknowledgments of groups of children that you are forced to entertain. Future little fanlings warm our hearts, but you're not fooling anyone - we know damn well you'd rather have been at home playing X-Box in your underwear, eating the stale corn chips someone left open on the counter.

NOT COOL:

* Retweets from beggars.
* Campaigning on your own behalf or someone else's to gain more followers and/or to reach some meaningless milestone number thereof. Lame.

ER... WTF?

* Meltdowns ("twantrums") over douchetacular comments from a heckler: bad idea, although entertaining to some, I suppose. Some ball clubs would probably kick your ass over it; in the case of the Blue Jays, it would probably be overlooked - if not praised - by Rogers for increased interest and traffic. May contribute to higher Blackberry sales.

...

From The 'WTF?' File

Scott Richmond and his regrettable meatballs are slowly killing me, so I need a laugh this morning.

Friday Rock-Out?

"(Barry Zito) recorded this as his Demo (got leaked to me from studio) and thinks he has a shot at becoming a huge singer. I don’t understand why he just can’t stick to doing what he does best- ripping off the Giants."

I don't know if it's for real or not, but anything that can make me laugh this hard at 5:48 am is pretty damn funny.

HT, again, to Crane via Twitter.

Best Facial Expressions Around MLB, Aug 5 '09

Amusing facial expressions:



The preceding were in response to:
1. Almost getting beaned,
2. Giving up a home run,
3. Loss,
4. Win, and
5. Dazed cat running around Kauffman Stadium.

Strange things happen during a full moon.

HT to Crane via Twitter.

Alexithymia

(staring blankly at this for about fifteen minutes...)

---

A Ten-Game Losing Streak.

...or so it seems. Didn't the Jays manage to lose that game twice today?

Someone said they wanted to do shots? I'm there, man.

You're going down.

@#$!

...so the Jays were able to snap their losing streak, thanks in part to Scott Richmond's stellar performance at the plate!

Wait, that's not what happened.

This is what happened.

Jerry and Alan were having a lot of fun with the starting pitcher's first shot in the batter's box. After a big swinging strike:

"It looks like the bat swung him!"

After he grounded out: (paraphrased)

"Well, maybe he did swing the bat a little in Edmonton. As soon as he made contact, he just bolted for first base!"

"At least he ran the right way!"

Laughter ensued. Sure, guys; it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!

I kid. It was funny.

I think I mentioned this already, but it would have been nice to SEE the freaking game.

Ouch

If you need a cheer-up after last night's spanking of young Mr Cecil, head over to Mop Up Duty for some background on Roy Halladay that you probably didn't know. A Story Forgotten: Halladay’s Reinvention

So I hear that the commentary on NESN (which they actually pronounce "Nessen"? *groan*) leaves a bit to be desired? I guess I'm not missing much by not having TSN2. ("Tissen two"?) I'll be more than satisfied just listening to the Fan 590 to catch Robert Bobby Ray taking the mound tonight for The Good Guys.

That bird in the photo, incidentally, did not die in its embarrassing fall from a fence. It shook itself off and flew on.

A Few Amusing Mugshots

Last month, The Sports Hernia blog did a funny post about bad mug shots coming from spring training. The photos are gone now, unfortunately. Note to self: don't hot link Getty Images.

The Jays were a pretty spiffy bunch on photo day this year. There's not too much to laugh at, but in the spring training program, they used some slighty crappier shots in place of the ones that are currently being used on MLB.com. There are a couple I can't pass up.

Apparently, this is Jesse Carlson, though it's hard to tell without his standard goofy grin.



Remember how on school photo day when you were a kid, your mom would get you all prettied up in your best clothes, and wipe your face with a Kleenex and her saliva? Everyone looked nice, but there was always that one dumpy kid who looked especially dumpy on picture day and ruined the class photo? That kid was probably once Joe Inglett.



Don't shave 'er nothin'.

Travis Snider, despite being such a good looking kid, is one of those unfortunate individuals who just can't seem to take a good posed photo to save his life. It's a slight improvement over last year, but he still looks like he's going to jail.



This picture inexplicably made its way into our plane of reality from a parallel universe in which Aaron Hill did not recover from last year's concussion, and remains in a persistent vegetative state:



...and the hands-down winner of the funniest mugshot award? Adam Lind.

I can't even come up with a witty comment for this one.

A Haiku For Joe Inglett

Oh, Joe. You're so hosed.
Better grab your voodoo dolls.
Pack for Sin City.

I L U 3.

Rogers Centre, Mar 7 '09



The third guy had a Richmond jersey, too, but the Femmullet got in my way.

Pointless Photo Post

Before I shovel my sidewalks and try to find a clear path to work through the snow storm, I'm making a pointless winter boredom post.

I feel like this:



(With apologies to the original crying Cubs girl.)

...but this cheers me up:



...and so does this:



I'm in section 524 Eh!

From Failblog

( see more pwn and owned pictures )


This made me LMAO, because I just noticed another funny juxtaposition on the front of The Sun the other day:

The Jays Had A Streak Earlier This Month.

The Drunk Mets Fan

I probably just have a very sick sense of humour...

...but I saw this yesterday and I was crying from laughing so hard.



*"It is worth noting, to the masters of assumption out there, that the folks playing the prank on him were his friends, who knew he was okay. He was visibly breathing. And he cracked up for three innings straight after learning what had happened, laughed with the fans who had photographed him and even autographed people's beer bottles. He was a terrific sport who left the stadium on his own power."

( Joe Inglett Goes To Arlen TX )

Randomness: Joe Inglett Pics

HOW TO OBTAIN AUTOGRAPH:

1. Have boobs.

2. Well, actually, that's pretty much it.












Concerned that the return of Vernon Wells could conceivably spell a demotion to Syracuse despite his good performance, Voodoo Joe ensures yet another teammate injury by pounding Lyle Overbay to the ground with his invisible bat.