Friday, April 22, 2011

How To Be Awesome On Twitter

A Guide For MLB Players.


* Post pictures of steak.
* Post pictures of babies and/or puppies. Popular example subjects: Bryton Cecil, The Buck twins, Josh Marisnick, Espy and Ribby Teahen.
* Joke with your fellow players. This is highly amusing to us.
* Amuse us with casual general comments: humourous anecdotes, heartfelt declarations of your boundless enthusiasm and determination, motivational quotes, gratitude for support, commiserations over shitacular Toronto spring weather, etc.
* Post additional pictures of steak. Chicken, carne asada, lobster, street meat, and other food that had a face also acceptable and encouraged.


* A few obligatory mentions of charitable ventures. Not to be overused.
* One or two mentions of a friend or family member's business. You will be quickly unfollowed by many if you abuse your fans by twitter-spamming.
* Pictures and/or acknowledgments of groups of children that you are forced to entertain. Future little fanlings warm our hearts, but you're not fooling anyone - we know damn well you'd rather have been at home playing X-Box in your underwear, eating the stale corn chips someone left open on the counter.


* Retweets from beggars.
* Campaigning on your own behalf or someone else's to gain more followers and/or to reach some meaningless milestone number thereof. Lame.

ER... WTF?

* Meltdowns ("twantrums") over douchetacular comments from a heckler: bad idea, although entertaining to some, I suppose. Some ball clubs would probably kick your ass over it; in the case of the Blue Jays, it would probably be overlooked - if not praised - by Rogers for increased interest and traffic. May contribute to higher Blackberry sales.